yesterday was a roller coaster day…

lots of laughing and kids playing together nicely

then they start hitting each other and yelling! then I yell and feel bad!

ahh frustrating…

i HATE when i yell… i can’t just move on. i feel bad I couldn’t keep my cool, i’m mad  little people can make me so angry. i’m upset and it didn’t even phase them. then i worry about why it didn’t phase them that i yelled!

the dad tells me they’re not phased because they knew what they did was wrong, they got in trouble and moved on.

oh okay…

move on…don’t hold on to an old argument… don’t react to something small because of what happened before… don’t hold a grudge… be the adult… be better… teach by actions NOT words… forgive…. move on

there will be an answer…. LET IT BE

i think that may be  my motto for parenting let it be…

parenting is so very adult. just like bills, and most of life. it’s hard to keep a free easy going spirit sometimes…

it’s a whole new world when your not just responsible for yourself. when your every decision affects other people.

i’m not complaining and i hope it doesn’t sound that way i just get taken back by the reality of my life sometimes. as much as i try to be laid back and go with the flow as i use to do so easily. the truth is i’m a mom and i now have become in charge of the flow… i can’t be complacent because what i do matters.

when i was about 13 someone told me I was the happiest person they have ever met. that was the kindest thing anyone had or has ever said to me. why? because happiness is contagious, it’s hopeful, it’s positive, it’s the good. it’s a lot of things i want to be and i want my children to be.

I can’t be “happy” all the time i get that but i don’t have to ever negatively effect anybody either.

that’s seems easy enough right?

day Trip… Sedona

 Crescent Moon Ranch in Sedona

so pretty!

we went day trip’in with the cousins yesterday up to Sedona. and as always it was wonderful. the great thing about Sedona is no matter the weather, time of day, or traffic the scenery is always breathtaking.  Seriously we are wadding in ankle deep soft clay just below a gentle waterfall looking up to humongous red pinnacles.

Awesome!

if you step on to the trail towards Buddha Beach (which we have yet to reach)  you will find hundreds and hundreds of amazing rock towers. and let me tell you it is a sight to behold. a comforting calm took hold as we walked through. the kids all start building, there is just this understanding even with young souls to create not destroy.  if you could have seen the way the kids carefully walked through the maze of formations so cautious of there surroundings… so cool.

Brave Monk of the River, fears nothing…

wait what was that? Did you hear that?

it was a great day as all day trips are.

i don’t know what it is about being outside and getting dirty but it makes me feel whole. everything feels right, worries take a backseat, i feel content with everything in my life, hopeful of what the future holds. my whole self is at ease.

I don’t know how to make the feeling last though. not to blame technology… but as soon as we get back in the car we’re plugging in our phones, syncing up pandora, trying to plug in the DVD players, breaking up fights over who get’s the leap frog.

it is madness!

but at the same time i love my tunes, my camera, my blog, and on and on.

like everything in life it’s a little give in take.

 not that that’s a bad thing.

 face hug…picnic lunch… dam building…bonding

kids playing tag in sun beams…

beautiful!

farewell trash hello books

nothing like bulk pick-up to bring the family together….

i don’t know why it’s so exciting to watch the giant blue truck come and haul away all our tree branches and anything that’s been sitting unused in the garage for the last 6 months, but it is. How do we acquire so much stuff? i don’t know how or why it happens but we clean the garage and 3 months later its full again. i can donate a bag of toys/clothes/ miscellaneous stuff every other week, it’s crazy.

we like everyone are REALLY trying to be conscious of what we buy or bring into the casa. i have a hard time passing up anything free or cool example: the hot tub or the huge easel. honestly didn’t need either but dig them both.

i’m always reading blogs on organization and de-cluttering  with kids. and for those of you who didn’t already know this my sister is a cleaning/ organizing guru. i can call her up and we can tackle a room floor to ceiling in no time, and she won’t just let me pile it somewhere else either. very helpful! back to the other blogs one i read on toys had  really great tips to which i have added my own

1. if it’s broken and you are not going to fix it get rid of it

2. if the toy does not inspire creative play or in other words plays with out the child’s help get rid of it

3. if your kids don’t play with it give it to someone that will

4. before birthdays and holiday have the kids FILL a donate box

5. rotate their toys. if they are not playing with them after being away for a while, get rid of them

6. MOST IMPORTANT don’t have too many toys, a few favorites is REALLY enough, and it teaches kids to take care of their stuff.

there that’s enough advise for one night…

side note the kids book fair at school is going on this week. the monk and RT were both taken with their classes down to peruse the books and make a wish list.

these are their lists

and

(the image won’t turn..sorry)

both chose a book for themselves and one for each of their siblings!

i know right! how sweet are they? we didn’t have anything to do with it i swear!

the dad and I were so proud we took all four down to the book fair yesterday morning to pick out some books!

killed me to drop that much coin on books when later we hit up the habitat store and i bought 5 books for $2.50

whatever right?! books are always a good buy i think it’s not like they go bad.

lots o pictures

i didn’t take a single picture today with my camera… time to clear the disk

so if your ready for a random photo dump… read on!

some sibling love. they as in the three oldest kiddos LOVE the bitty bear so much. not that I’m at all surprised. but they each take such care of her. i love it.

the brothers…

the dad has been smooshing the kids faces together ever since he had two faces to smoosh. never gets old…always super cute.

the Monk and Absolem *she really is this beautiful* no photo shop or instagram  here

Rt was feeling photogenic and posing for me…

where are we you ask? in the FREE hot tub we recently acquired. we like to  sit in the empty “hot pool” (in the words of the Boo) and imagine how nice it will be when the weather cools down and we wire all the electric, and fill it with water. is that weird?

next up the bear getting her hair did by the dad

girly girls at play…awww (in a few more years the Monk might not want to play with her little sis what a sad thought) enjoy it while it lasts

 My hansom Boo

 the kids got a bag of hand me downs the other day from their cousins holla!  i left the bag at the bottom of the stairs no big d. well let me tell you by the time i came down at 6:28 am all 3 where completely changed in their NEW clothes. my kids LOVE hand me down clothes and toys it’s like they can tell that the stuff has been loved so it must be good.

wow lots of pictures just a few mas!

my favorites

fyi baby wipes clean up oil paints! who knew? and they clean leather…

this one is 100% pure boy. i wish it was full length so you could see the classic rolled levi’s and red converse he was sporting. play’a!

yep these moments right here make my heart flutter with happiness.

so tired

I have had the Beatles song playing in my head all day… i’m so tired i haven’t slept a wink…”

it has become the kids lullaby because it always seems to be in my head.

school is going… my mind is so split right now, i’m really struggling trying to focus on my class. class just one (lame). I don’t want to put any of my energy towards it and that makes the assignments all the more difficult because it just feels like busy work.  i really have plenty of time hahahah. i can’t even seem to a muster a suck it up and just do it attitude. i think i would feel different if when i was done this particular degree would in some way benefit me. like a nursing or teaching degree, this however is just a bachelors. feels meaningless at the moment.

i thought if i threw it out there i might feel more accountable to get my booty in gear.

i don’t know, the truth is right now i just want to be a mom. i want to spend my free time looking up places to take the fam, activities to do, better ways to tech them sight words, i want to make play kitchens and repaint my cabinets.

i don’t want to discuss the elements of fiction on a ASU discussion board, or answer questions about irony or paradox.

ahhhh if i had only finished before.

there are so many things we would do if…

if i had kids i would stay home and spend as much time as possible enjoying every minute of them. if I fell in love and married by best friend I would tell him every day how much I love him and we would go on adventures and get a dog.  if i had the kind of job the allowed me to work from my house I would rebuild it into my dream home with white floors and a big back yard.

i would rather live this life to the fullest then dwell on the woulda, shoulda, couldas.

if only i could wake up to this every morning…

life is too short to spend it on things you don’t enjoy.

we can go outside!

i know it’s not officially fall…but cool morning temps means we can go outside!

 my kiddos are early risers, not something I love but, something I’ve gotten use to. i’ve always been a morning person but they put me to shame. the wake up full of smiles, rip roar’in and ready to go. it makes for super smooth school mornings, except when they are up before the sun. those mornings start with a NO WAY, everyone back in bed!

Anyways….

we are up and enjoying the cool mornings

the winter garb maybe a little much… i agree. but I’ll be the first to admit any opportunity to wear a sweatshirt I jump on!

As i’m typing this the dad just walked out in a sweatshirt too, ha we love fall!

any day that starts outside is a good day

postpartum

i’ll get to the title in a second… bear with my thought process here.

 i got to go in to work today…

how funny does that sound? I have been fortunate enough to work from la casa for the past 3 1/2 years, but every once in  while i get to go in a say what up to everyone. make me really appreciate working from home but i also get to feel like part of something.

BUT what i have to tell you I forgot how much I love driving ALONE with the windows down and music bumping! Freedom!!!!

say it with me now, FREEDOM!

i was thinking good advice to soon to be mom’s or new mama’s would be to make a list of the things YOU enjoy and make you feel good, because what all mama’s know is you will soon forget what YOU liked pre-kids.

for instance i like old school rap at high volume, with a cool breeze, and iced latte!

so much energy goes into our children we loose sight of what we loved or hell liked, then we feel guilty for doing something we like… lame! if I get myself this cup of coffee i should grab the kids  donuts, blah, blah, blah! but as i stopped on my way to work at starbucks today, no guilt they were never going to know. i felt liberated… so stupid… but so true.

so make a list then when your screaming on the inside ” i don’t even know who I am anymore” pull out your list try something maybe you’ll feel better or maybe not but at the very least there is a starting point.

i think postpartum is still such a taboo subject.

and that SUCKS!

there are so many different emotions passing through a new mom at any given moment it’s amazing we don’t all explode and that anyone stays married.  here you are with this new baby that you truly love more than life its self and you feel sad or angry. add to that now you feel guilty and embarrassed that you feel sad and angry. you think you should be happy but your so bummed that your not through the roof pumped that you just feel worse. WTF!

it sucks… and even worse…

IT IS COMPLETELY NORMAL!

i think it is ( i know it was for me) harder to admit out loud to anyone the first time i went through it. but i found the more I talked about it the less guilty I felt, the more support i got, the more understanding my husband was.  i hate that it is a see it to believe it kind of thing, but it is. honesty, conversation, and support is a huge help. and if someone is NOT supportive talk to someone else because there are a tone of mams that have been there, and most i find like myself are no longer afraid to discuss it. it does go away, but my god when your living it, it is lonely.

i remember writing in my journal after RT was born ( not to mention already being pregnant again) that i felt shattered. I felt like i was made up of a million broken pieces, i wanted so badly for someone to just sweep all my pieces away or at least try and put me back together. I didn’t have the energy to do it myself.  I wasn’t sad I was angry. and what made it worse is that I was so aware of feeling terrible but just could not fix it. reality was not tangible. it was like watching a movie, i was going through all the motions but never felt a thing.

i hated how i felt, i thought my attitude was wearing off on the mini Monk, i felt I wasn’t  bonding with RT, I was sure I wasn’t embracing any part of my pregnancy with Boo. here i was in one shot ruining 3 little lives that i brought into the world. I felt so terrible.

 i asked my ob for help the medication did more harm then good, i felt guilty for being on medication while pregnant, and potentially harming my baby because i couldn’t get my sh*t together. so i stopped taking it felt worse. oy did I mention it sucks?

but it did get better, i finally thought screw it its obvious enough i should just talk about it and i did, and it helped… motherhood and guilt never go away as far as I can tell, but the guilt went down a few notches and that made a huge difference. D-love and I started talking about it that was the biggest game changer, i no longer felt like he thought i was insane or weak, or a bad mom. believe it or not dad’s feel very overwhelmed too, and what a relief that was to hear! seriously, not what you thought parenting was gonna be like? 3 kids under 3 and I’m 24! ahhhhhh my God!

we made it though, glad we did! because for the most part that happiness that you think your supposed to feel in the first  8 months with your baby, you do feel it’s just later on after everyone is sleeping and eating on their own, hugging you because you stuck it out and they have never known anything except for how much you love them.

that my friends is when the bliss sets in.