i’ll get to the title in a second… bear with my thought process here.
i got to go in to work today…
how funny does that sound? I have been fortunate enough to work from la casa for the past 3 1/2 years, but every once in while i get to go in a say what up to everyone. make me really appreciate working from home but i also get to feel like part of something.
BUT what i have to tell you I forgot how much I love driving ALONE with the windows down and music bumping! Freedom!!!!
say it with me now, FREEDOM!
i was thinking good advice to soon to be mom’s or new mama’s would be to make a list of the things YOU enjoy and make you feel good, because what all mama’s know is you will soon forget what YOU liked pre-kids.
for instance i like old school rap at high volume, with a cool breeze, and iced latte!
so much energy goes into our children we loose sight of what we loved or hell liked, then we feel guilty for doing something we like… lame! if I get myself this cup of coffee i should grab the kids donuts, blah, blah, blah! but as i stopped on my way to work at starbucks today, no guilt they were never going to know. i felt liberated… so stupid… but so true.
so make a list then when your screaming on the inside ” i don’t even know who I am anymore” pull out your list try something maybe you’ll feel better or maybe not but at the very least there is a starting point.
i think postpartum is still such a taboo subject.
and that SUCKS!
there are so many different emotions passing through a new mom at any given moment it’s amazing we don’t all explode and that anyone stays married. here you are with this new baby that you truly love more than life its self and you feel sad or angry. add to that now you feel guilty and embarrassed that you feel sad and angry. you think you should be happy but your so bummed that your not through the roof pumped that you just feel worse. WTF!
it sucks… and even worse…
IT IS COMPLETELY NORMAL!
i think it is ( i know it was for me) harder to admit out loud to anyone the first time i went through it. but i found the more I talked about it the less guilty I felt, the more support i got, the more understanding my husband was. i hate that it is a see it to believe it kind of thing, but it is. honesty, conversation, and support is a huge help. and if someone is NOT supportive talk to someone else because there are a tone of mams that have been there, and most i find like myself are no longer afraid to discuss it. it does go away, but my god when your living it, it is lonely.
i remember writing in my journal after RT was born ( not to mention already being pregnant again) that i felt shattered. I felt like i was made up of a million broken pieces, i wanted so badly for someone to just sweep all my pieces away or at least try and put me back together. I didn’t have the energy to do it myself. I wasn’t sad I was angry. and what made it worse is that I was so aware of feeling terrible but just could not fix it. reality was not tangible. it was like watching a movie, i was going through all the motions but never felt a thing.
i hated how i felt, i thought my attitude was wearing off on the mini Monk, i felt I wasn’t bonding with RT, I was sure I wasn’t embracing any part of my pregnancy with Boo. here i was in one shot ruining 3 little lives that i brought into the world. I felt so terrible.
i asked my ob for help the medication did more harm then good, i felt guilty for being on medication while pregnant, and potentially harming my baby because i couldn’t get my sh*t together. so i stopped taking it felt worse. oy did I mention it sucks?
but it did get better, i finally thought screw it its obvious enough i should just talk about it and i did, and it helped… motherhood and guilt never go away as far as I can tell, but the guilt went down a few notches and that made a huge difference. D-love and I started talking about it that was the biggest game changer, i no longer felt like he thought i was insane or weak, or a bad mom. believe it or not dad’s feel very overwhelmed too, and what a relief that was to hear! seriously, not what you thought parenting was gonna be like? 3 kids under 3 and I’m 24! ahhhhhh my God!
we made it though, glad we did! because for the most part that happiness that you think your supposed to feel in the first 8 months with your baby, you do feel it’s just later on after everyone is sleeping and eating on their own, hugging you because you stuck it out and they have never known anything except for how much you love them.
that my friends is when the bliss sets in.