before bed

as soon as I turn off my tablet and kiss the dad good night my mind begins to race… writing millions of words in my head.

I like most people I assume, have my best thought at night. I think it’s because I’m super relaxed and my whole self is at ease.

I’m always trying to figure out ways to do the everyday better.

when Boo was still wet behind the ears I wrote out a list to myself. it said…

when the Monk speaks make eye contact and listen.

spend time with just RT, hold him.

Meet Boo’s needs before he cries.

At the time those where HUGE things that I had to remind myself to do.

Well here I am almost 7 years later making metal reminders of simple tasks. I for some silly reason was sure parenting would get easier as they got older (against EVERYONE’S warnings).

But the older they get there is just so much to enjoy… conversations mainly. I feel less like a broken record and more like a participant. And just when I think one of them isn’t EVER listening to anything we EVER say  EVER. I hear them talking to their grandparents on the phone in great detail of all that I thought they had tuned out. A subtle reminder that kids are always absorbing and not to take advantage of this enormousness responsibility.

When they  were really little I watch them figure things out with great pride, but the older they get watching them try or not try to figure things out brings about so much worry and frustration. I have to remind myself that even though they are bigger these new tasks are just as great relative to where they are in life. And I need to be just as proud and supportive as they try and succeed and try and fail.

So I guess I’ll keep making lists… It’s a lot right? this whole parenting gig…what a trip!

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because you do is enough

some days…most days I feel like I just need to boycott all things Facebook and pinterest. The standards they are creating are absolutely bonkers! I just want to sit on the deck and watch the leaves move in the wind and try an convince myself life really is just that simple. Which makes me think, well it could be… life can be as simple or as difficult as we make it.

I am guilty of holding myself to the double standards our crazy society has been normalizing since the 5o’s. That my house should look magazine perfect and my dinners should me made with love from scratch, and it should all be done with a smile.

But where… WHERE… WHERE?!!!! I ask does the TV go? where am I suppose to hide my wires?

SO like most people I pin it… I fail… I feel bad… I move on.

This my friends is crazy and I’m getting off the sauce!

I have found in my limited experience that when I don’t look up an idea I tend to have my own…

I didn’t intend to sit down and rant but…this is something I think about way too often, yet I don’t really do much to change. if anything I’m probably contributing to the madness with this bloooog of mine. but one has to start somewhere.

And the irony behind all of it… Facebook ect. is that people only post what they want you to see. My private boards are my favorite…why because they are mine, they are pictures of the things that I love that I don’t want to share because I don’t want to know if anybody else loves them because I do and that’s enough. when did loving something just because YOU love it not become enough? We need to know other people love it or are interested in it, or think it’s worth while. It breaks my heart. and makes me feel bad. and I don’t like that so time to make a change. And I’m pretty sure that life will go on, and my kids will be creative & happy, and we’ll still eat, and my weight will fluctuate, and my house will still feel like a home, and I won’t loose any “friends” because we were friends before I “accepted” you and you liked me before the thumbs up told me so.

I think it’s going to be alright… in fact I’m sure.

second hand books

I love books…specifically children’s books…more specifically second hand children’s books.

The way pages wear down and soften after thousands of turns in a child’s hand…

 The familiar smell when you open a book… takes me right back to the library in West Lafayette where I would walk with whom ever would take me.   Back when there was a card catalog that I could never figure out how to use, but would sift through anyways.

ahh memories…

About 2 weeks ago it seemed that each of my kids had found a book that they couldn’t put down. This isn’t usually… or well to perfectly honest…EVER the case.

The Monk loves to read, on any given day she has 2 to 4 books in rotation. The bear loves to copy books; the words, pictures, situations, characters. The brother’s have been hit and miss. They are either all in, especially with graphic novels (thanks for the tip Matt) or it’s pure torture to read for the assigned 20 minutes.  I can’t say I disagree I’ve never been one that felt obligated to finish a book I didn’t like.

So here they were all with their little faces submerged in text ( NOT TXT!) asking for more books. Straight to the thrift shop I went and the result…

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 And all for a whooping $20!   I know buying great books like a boss!

Every time a find a classic like Green Eggs and Ham, I think WHY would you ever get rid of this book? Well whatever the reason I’m glad they did…because like that rescue kitty… I brought it home to be loved.

And because I’m sure at least one of you will question every “she’s a good mom” thought you ever had of me when you think I’ve housed 4 kids for the last 10 years and not had a copy of Green Eggs and Ham on the shelf… I did! it was loved to death and became party decorations.

It really worked out…  four little happy readers… and our library grew .

88

It was 88 today! We have had crazy beautiful weather up ‘er! If it didn’t rain so much I would say they just say that to keep folks from moving here. True story if you visit on a sunny day… you may just pack up your jalopy and move.

The tree’s… they’ll  call to your wild and free spirit I tell you!

After dropping the bear off at school I stepped on to the porch and stood quietly listening to the beautiful melody of SILENCE!

There may have been a bird but I tuned him out…and just enjoyed the silent moment.

HOLD UP…

I’m sitting on the back porch typing as the dad is playing baseball with the crew in the yard, I look down and see the Fred taking a dump right next to him… but I didn’t say dump. I laughed out the dog is taking a crap right next to you! then the bear pipes up… ‘What’s a crap?”

now back to the quite zen moment of the afternoon… RIGHT!

Real life don’t you just love it… happy beautiful sibling playing together in the afternoon sun while mom is watching from the steps with her hand in a box of cereal.  It’s because I’m green… or lazy… tomato, tomato.

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For as much as they bicker… and let me just say they have mastered the skill. the moments they just enjoy each other make me so happy.

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On that note a funny little story…

As we are pulling out of the driveway last week they are already quarreling over NOTHING!!! truly the things they fight about are so bonkers and unmemorable… makes me nuts that they or anyone would expend that amount of energy being upset. So me being the calm sweet mother I am, throw the bus on park unbuckle (with authority… I’m making a point ya know) turn around and calming yell at high volume ENOUGH!

“Do dad and I hang out with a bunch of A**holes? Do we invite negative Nellie’s over to the house on the weekends?

NO!!!

Why because we DON’T LIKE THOSE TYPES OF PEOPLE!!! So stop being those type of little humans! We are all just doing our best  here, I hate yelling!!!! and you 4 are bring out a side of me I don’t like so enough. Just be nice or for the love of GOD stop speaking! “

It was a real parenting win… aside from the A hole slip, but hey it wasn’t the f  bomb. I was feeling good… solid win!

until we pulled back in after school  and they fought about who got to walk in the back door first… uuuuggg. we have 4 doors use them all!

 The big blows are not often, not even weekly. but they are… what they are. So I laugh and remind myself these HUGE ordeals won’t even matter by the morning. we will however remember sprinklers, baseball, and the Fred dropping one next to the dad.

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Weekends

Weekends are my fave… Saturday in particular.

No schedule, no rush, no to do’s, no homework, no showers, no fuss.

I can easily remember when Saturday was just another day like every day in the life of little ones home all day EVERYDAY with mama. Saturday was the day of mixed emotions, the excitement and relief of the dad being home and anxiety of my world, my way being disrupted. Gosh at the time it was such a open nerve of mine. Hearing the words ” have a good weekend” would just make me cringe… “Everyday is Saturday” I would respond with a smile. But like every phase in this parenting adventure it evolves. When we moved to Cali… weekends were Disneyland or the beach. (WHAT?! and you moved… because?.. the beach was too beautiful and 75 degrees is well just too perfect?) Sounds worse when I read it then when I hear it…  but weekends now are well the best days of the week.

Simply put… never mind the above rambling…

This Saturday was doot doot doo…. BASEBALL SEASON OPENER!!! The brother’s are play’n ball! and despite my fear of “team parent’s” and small talk around the bleaches, the boys are loving it and thus we LOVE it too. AND hold your seats… RT is tired when he comes home! This alone is worth our easy Saturday mornings. ( I know it’s been a year hiatus or so since we talked last  *no judgment here folks* but the kid is still full throttal, God love’em!)

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Big day!

20160416_104552They are playing on the same team this year… I’d like to say it’s because it’s their first time playing and we thought it would be fun… and as I’m sure that is totally true it also made life easier for the dad and I.  One practice, one place, one time a week. Wonderful!

Then we go HOME… oh how I love home here in the PNW.

Apparently Spring sprang while we were taking in some Vit D with the fam in AZ… and well, it’s beautiful.

The thought of sitting fireside with a good book (yes that’s Harry Potter… and yes I’ve only made it to page 75 in the last 3 months but hey I’ll take it) just chill’axin on a Saturday would have been mad! Mad I tell you! aaaannnndddd in a yard that feels like the woods…

Come on! I would have told you too put the pipe down! * little Washington humor hahahah* but now after kill’in this parenting gig for almost 10 years I will raise a fist high in the air to an easy Saturday!

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To those of you still in the “everyday is Saturday”phase, hang in there. there is a few perks to kids getting older…

Weekends!

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excitement in the mundane

I feel it better to start in the middle as though we’ve been sitting on the porch for hours over a few cups of coffee and we are already deep into conversation. Like an old friend that you can be apart from for months or even years and pick right up as though you saw them just yesterday.

As I was sitting in the school parking lot waiting for the clock to hit that magic number of 8:45 , watching the Monk reading away and hearing the faint sound of the bear telling the true story behind the ISPY book. Boo looking glumly out the window…board. I was thinking there has to be some shred of excitement in the mundane. The last two nights around the table telling our favorite parts of the day I had nothing. Nothing to offer. I couldn’t think of anything that made me laugh, made me smile, filled me with anything. And I being my worst critic think wow this is such a bad example for my kids, not have anything to be happy about.

To back up we just got back from a road trip Saturday. Days filled with new sights, smells, stories, laughter, family…. days filled with experiences.

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I myself crave the nomadic life…

Meeting people that are just passing through that don’t require formalities.  Stories that evolve as the day plays out. Seeing a sunset in a place I’ve never been over a mountain I never knew was there. Catching the lunar eclipse I would have unknowingly slept through. My soul craves these experiences.

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Having children didn’t change that desire, if anything it probably intensified it. I want them to want to wander, want to discover, be fearless in the face of change. but the other side is the curse it brings… to never be content.

I am not content. I feel like I’m bursting at the seams. I have far more potential then I am using… and it makes me crazy.

 Finding the excitement in the mundane.

Writing helps me focus on one thought long enough to put it down. It gives me the much need reminder that everyday however mundane, is its own experience.

I am everything

It is getting further between each post, as it happens life has stepped in. I’m going to dive right in as thought we’ve already been taking for a while…

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My mini Monk…

she was my first heart beat, my first passion, my greatest fear, she is my everything. 

My daughter is an old soul as “they” would say. she is empathetic, kind, and caring. She is brave,talented, and truthful. She carries the worry of the world on her shoulders, and the joy of a child in her heart.

Her memory astounds me; not only does she remember the details of the event  but the way the moment made her feel. Her recollections will change her entire mood,  We sat together this afternoon talking about a few things that were weighing heavy on her mind. Like how when you’re small a little toy can make you feel good for hours. How when you’re small you always know you’re loved because of all the attention you receive. How getting older is hard because your ideas are far greater than your boundaries allow.   How your potential is shrouded by your current abilities and results are not always as one had hoped.How what you like one moment does not carry to the next, How difficult even the simplistic of decisions can make you feel. How you can love, like, and dislike so many things at the same time. 

 I listened in aw of my child.

I spoke a few words of encouragement and we hugged. 

Then my girl; my first heart beat said, ” mom, guess I am just everything”

Indeed my love you are everything.